Kevin and The Bikes | The Family Interviews

Kevin and The Bikes.jpg

Meet Kevin and The Bikes

Whats going on out there in this world today? Everywhere I look nothing but dorks. Dorks at the mall, dorks at the beach, dorks where I work. Gosh is there no end to it? Finally a band that is going to shake some sense into this dorky world. Thats right Kevin and the Bikes BABY! The Bike Boys are all here and revving their engines. Pop a jawbreaker in your mouth, and lets dive deep into the world of Kevin and the Bikes.


A Rough Day

A MAD-LIB By Kevin and The Bikes

It all started when I awoke with a DORKY pain in my ARM. Then, my DORK was late. We got FRICKED in traffic for SECOND, which made me BISEXUAL for my meeting with KEVIN. I apologized COURAGEOUSLY to him, which seemed to make things GAY again. But then the meeting turned into DORKS, with him ENDING and LOVING. I CARED when he DIED off. On the way home we passed a JAWBREAKER on a BIKE. Suddenly the JAWBREAKER RESURRECTED in the road and my DORK had to RETORTED to avoid it. In the process, I was DIED, AGAIN from the GARAGE, landing on my LEG. I was covered in MERCURY from FOOT to EAR. Could this day get any more ASEXUAL? My DORK BASTARDIZED me back into the GARAGE and we made our way back to THE PEACH. I went straight to PEACH CREEK. I was HETEROSEXUAL!


Would you rather be a vampire cowboy in the old west or a werewolf knight in medieval times? Please tell us why.

Bike Boy #1: Okay, so like, if you were a vampire cowboy in the middle of the old west, wouldn't that mean you could only kill people at night? I mean, the trope is that duels are always at high noon, or at least during the day. Plus, there's no damn shade in the desert. Being a vampire cowboy is an oxymoron in itself. Werewolf knight sounds way more appealing, depending on what I'm fighting and what I'm fighting for.

Bike Boy #2: I think that the point is is that they're both oxymorons, you fucking dumbass.

Kevin: Werewolves give me the creeps. Vampire cowboy.

What is the thing you fear most?

Bike Boy #2: Probably getting banished to hell by God after we die, given we're believing in a false prophet and that's one of the ten commandements. I've come to accept it, but it keeps me up at night sometimes, even to this day.

Bike Boy #1: My worst fear in this dimension is probably getting run over by Kevin's bike nonconsensually.

Kevin: The question should be "why does fear fear me the most?" Fucking dork...

Where do you draw your inspiration from?

Kevin: Well, I pretty much am the inspiration, so I'd say that I'm a very self motivated person. I have many power fantasies about murdering dorks.

Bike Boy #1: Yeah, it's gotta be Kevin. Without him we would be nothing.

Bike Boy #2: I have this giant stash of quaaludes that I kept from before they were officially discontinued, sort of like Kevin's stash of jawbreakers in his dad's garage. Originally, I would do them on Easter, but since the premiere of Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy, I've done one every year on January 5 since.

What was the intention with Dorkcore 101?

Kevin: Are you a fucking dork? The point is is that we hate dorks. We had to get the message out. Why are you such a pussy, do you not get it? Shit, only a dork would ask this question.

Bike Boy #1: Have you ever listened to the first Half Japanese record? The one that's like three long plays. Well, we only like one song off of that record, which is called "I'm Going to the Zoo." It's the only song that matters on it.

Given we are all talentless fucks, this song spoke to us on a philosophical, spiritual, personal, and aesthetically pleasing level, all at once. The only option at that point was to pick up a guitar and set up a drum set and bang away the lovely music. The first 70 songs on the record were recorded all on the same night in 2015 when we didn't know how to play music. Eventually, we all mutually decided that we needed to get good in order to finish the record, and so we spent three years nonstop accuring skill on our respective instruments (I play guitar and sing, Kevin plays bass, and Bike Boy #2 plays drums). The last 31 songs were recorded in two days in this fashion. Eventually we got the guys over at Abbey Road studios to master our magnum opus, and we had a record.

Bike Boy #2: I wanted to make a shitty album that I could put on my resume.

What do Jawbreakers taste like?

Bike Boy #1: Paprika.

Bike Boy #2: Paprika.

Kevin: Paprika.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Bike Boy #1: The superpower to make more money off of this album. Everyone, please send us your money. We do not necessarily need it, but we want it.

Bike Boy #2: I'm not gonna answer this question, but what if vore was a superpower? That would be pretty cool haha, not gonna lie.

Kevin: Dork vision. Just so I can know how a dork thinks and perceives everyday life; I can use this stuff against them.

Bike Crash album art by Kevin and the Bikes

Bike Crash album art by Kevin and the Bikes

Could you write us a Haiku?

We don't know why this

Damn album has made over

100 dollars

Any final comments? (This is your electronic soapbox for one last answer.)

Bike Boy #1: A lot of people don't know this, but this is the reboot of Ed, Edd, n Eddy. Everything we talk about in any of our albums is canon to the original series.

Bike Boy #2: I'm glad that the band has gotten as much attention as it has already. It was a lot of fun for us and I enjoy spreading that absurdly chaotic musical enthusiasm to others. The more people that chuckle with us at this music or even rock out and listen to it, the more myself and others affirm the purpose and potential of this album. Kevin and the Bikes was a good time and Dorkcore 101 staved off the boredom that dominated my life for a time being. Thanks for the interview and I want to thank every person that donated to us, who wrote a review, who downloaded the album or just part of it and who were there to witness this snippet of unabashed audio creativity.

Kevin: That response was gay. Kill dorks, ride fast, and munch on jawbreakers. Don't trust anyone, they could be a dork.

Sean Maldjian